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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Postal Service can solve an array of world's problems

Every so often, someone in a government position somewhere in the word comes up with a solution to a real-world problem that is incredibly astonishing.
Most recently, the town council in Brunete, Spain, has solved the problem of careless dog owners leaving their dogs’ excrement behind for other people to step in. Their solution is brilliant if not inspired.
The town council enlisted the aid of about 20 volunteers to approach dog owners whose pooches left piles on sidewalks or in the park. The volunteers would then strike up conversations with the pet owners with the intention of discovering the offending dogs’ names.
With the dog’s name and breed, the volunteers could then determine the dog owner’s name and address — and this is where this story gets good. Once the dog owner’s name and address is confirmed, a volunteer scoops up the offending poop and places it in a box labeled “Lost Property” with the town hall’s official insignia affixed. Then the volunteer mails the box of dog poop back to the offending dog owner.
This is brilliant! Don’t be surprised if the person who thought of this solution gets nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Using the post office to solve a community’s problems indicates true Renaissance thinking if not total genius. This is a plan that the first postmaster general himself, Benjamin Franklin, would have been proud to concoct.
Here are just a few of the ways the postal service can solve some of our nation’s problems:
The postal service could start by eliminating the stork. Think of the monetary savings if women no longer had babies in hospitals and instead, babies could be delivered by the United States Postal Service.
The post office could be the perfect solution for nuclear waste disposal as well. Let’s just box up all of our nuclear waste in Priority Mail flat-rate boxes and ship it to Kim Jong-un in North Korea, thereby solving two problems at once — stockpiled nuclear waste and Kim Jong-un.
The 16,000 new job openings at the IRS to cover money collection for Obamacare won’t put a dent in unemployment, but the postal service could easily hire a few million more people to stand around looking useful. Who would even notice?
The problems of obesity, malnourishment, starvation and other food-related maladies could easily be solved by closing all grocery stores and eating establishments and having all food mailed to the citizenry on a daily basis. This way, the IRS can handle our medical services and the Post Office can handle nourishment.
Note to reader: The downside is that this could lead to a bumper sticker saying, “When the Post Office delivers the food, only postal workers get fat!”
The post office could easily solve the gun control issue while satisfying every liberal’s desire to finally do something about gun control no matter how inane by simply passing a law requiring all criminals or people with criminal intent to mail their weapons to either the Department of Homeland Security or another law-abiding citizen. Problem solved!
This next problem might be too big for the postal service, but could easily be solved by enlisting the aid of companies like FedEx or United Parcel Service. The solution to illegal immigration is simply boxing up all illegal immigrants (in humane boxes with adequate air holes and food) and mailing them back home!
Note to reader: Of course with the previous example, the humane thing to do is mark the box “Fragile” and “This Side Up.”
Terrorists would be long gone with a similar program, but personally I’d eliminate the air holes and food with a box fit for a terrorist. Shipping a terrorist back home would also require that we write on the box, “This package may contain liquid, is very perishable, not fragile and is definitely potentially hazardous.”
It’s time to use the United States Postal Service to solve our nation’s problems. Wait a minute, the mail just arrived. It looks like I have a box marked “Lost Property” from my local post office; it must be the keys I lost last week! If they can do it in Brunete, Spain, we can do it here!

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